A shitbeat for a lover I didn’t expect to love like that.
What’s the wavelength of sadness? I oscillate between the joy of knowing you and the despair of leaving. The constraints of our time only permitted me fewer walls. There’s nothing like the intimacy of a stranger, my sweet stranger. And now our few months have blown by. I’ll remember you by white lines, rosy cheeks, humid curls, your vocal cords, and that simplest pleasure. I’ll remember you fondly, I’ll remember you with music dripping. But for now it hurts. I jolt erratically from extreme to opposite to opposite.
I drift up, hoping a better future for you. I float to the top of my own. I know that I’ll be okay because I have my One and he is everything good. I know that you’ll be okay because you’ve always been okay. I know that anyone would love you given the chance.
I sink down, my leaky eyes to the floor, my head hot and heavy. I will miss you, I’ll miss the full days and nights with you, I’ll miss the quirky and thoughtful things you say. I’ll miss watching you grow, your dark moon eyes full of curiosity.
I float on the buoyant memories, our first meeting, that kiss—the dark wanting feeling before that kiss—by the gas fire with you standing so tall above me.
Then down again I fall, fall, fall, dragged to the bottom by the cannonball of unexplorable possibilities with you, of time I don’t possess.
I am lighter than air, the tragedy of my life is a happy one. Too much love, that’s all.
But you’ll hurt, too, and thinking of you alone, untouched, perhaps silent, breaks me. I wish I had only hurt myself. I was honest, you were honest, but it was no protection.
You have given me only joy. You have given me a sweet love, let me see a new and beautiful corner of the world. You took only loneliness. And so I can’t regret.
Still, inevitably, the nadir hits like a ton of cold steel and I’m blind. I feel the threads that hold me together pulling apart, giving up, relinquishing me to the tempest. My body aches for you, aches for your voice, your laugh, even the sound of your lips parting in a smile.
I feel nauseous, I feel guilty, I feel grateful, I feel too much.
Tragedy comes in waves. They swell to overwhelm then sink meekly again. I know they will reside. This, too, shall pass. I wouldn’t change a thing.